Rara

The Animal Within Me

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Months and months of frustration, confusion, difficulty, trying to figure shit out, worried about this, worried about that, running to the illusion in my head of what I think meditation is, what I think Tao is, what I think the right thing is, trying to keep the girlfriend happy, trying to keep the family happy, trying to keep on with my business, trying to stay strong, pushing the demons away, only for them to push back harder, suppressing, suffocating, getting weaker, then all this goes away, and I think I have found my way, and then the demons come back, and crush me further, and I'm even more confused, because I thought I had my way. So if I had my way and they still came back, then I must be worthless, useless. Frightened, I can't sleep, I can't eat, I try to meditated but the mind won't let me, the phone's going off, Skype is ringing, now I have the flu, now I can't move, now I'm depressed, suicidal, pretending to be happy because that's what people think I am, tight chest, can't breathe...I can't fucking breathe!

 

Well, you know what? I have to fucking breathe, or I'm a dead man. So I made myself breathe, I got up, took myself to a place where no one could see me, no one could hear me. There was the solid wall. These are my fight gloves. I screamed. I shouted. I thrashed at the wall. I cried. I killed. I shook. I slapped myself. I killed again. I broke that fucking demon in half.

 

This is my liberation. This morning has woken me the fuck up.

 

Thank yoh for reading. I apologise for nothing. Someone out there will need this one day to.

 

I hope they see this, it could save their lives, their relationships, their sanity.

 

Peace x

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Well, I didn't need it but I enjoyed reading it. I'm sure it will help some.

 

Life is a bitch when we try to control it (your demons).

 

And damned if life isn't ever-changing! One minute we think we have it all figured out then the shit hits the fan. And that old saying: "When it rains, it pours." is just as real as life itself.

 

And we must continue to battle the demons. We never really win, they just go into hiding for a while.

 

 

So. Now that you are all recovered, get ready for the next disaster. It'll arrive, I promise. Then we will have to go through the whole process again. But we can always return to the harmony found within Tao.

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The goal is to make the moment of harmony last longer than the duration of sadness that proceeded it. To realise any possible shred of positivity in every moment that you're in. Slowly, sometimes immediately, the grains of positivity grow into a mound, tipping the scales so that the issues holding you down are lifted to a place where they can be better examined and dealt with.

 

But sometimes beating the sh*t out of a wall and letting it all out in a rage works magic, too :P

 

P.s. you inspired me to write this.

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Go for it Rara.

If it works for you then do it.

Hope you continue to feel better each day.

All strength to ya buddy.

:)

Edited by GrandmasterP
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Well, you know what? I have to fucking breathe, or I'm a dead man. So I made myself breathe, I got up, took myself to a place where no one could see me, no one could hear me. There was the solid wall. These are my fight gloves. I screamed. I shouted. I thrashed at the wall. I cried. I killed. I shook. I slapped myself. I killed again. I broke that fucking demon in half.

This is my liberation. This morning has woken me the fuck up.

Nice going.....Rara

You do that a few times. Pretty soon, there will be no need for that. You'll see when the time comes.

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Greetings my Dear Rara -

 

..., pushing the demons away, only for them to push back harder, suppressing, suffocating, getting weaker, then all this goes away, and I think I have found my way, and then the demons come back, and crush me further, and I'm even more confused, because I thought I had my way. So if I had my way and they still came back, then I must be worthless, useless.

...

 

yessir, keep pushing the daemons away. beat them back.

 

 

Well, you know what? I have to fucking breathe, or I'm a dead man. So I made myself breathe, I got up, took myself to a place where no one could see me, no one could hear me. There was the solid wall. These are my fight gloves. I screamed. I shouted. I thrashed at the wall. I cried. I killed. I shook. I slapped myself. I killed again. I broke that fucking demon in half.

 

..

heavens, you remind me of someone... I wonder ...

ah yes, me about 30 years ago ...

 

Yup - Breathe

keep doing what you need to do to breathe.

keep driving the demons out.

they will come back, because that's what they do - the very reason for their existance ( see "The Screwtape Letters" )

deny them any power over you - they have none.

 

If monkeymind keeps interfering, drive out the monkey.

if you must, beat the monkey's head against the wall until it stops moving .

 

do whatever works for you as long as you do no harm.

 

if you screw up (as we all do) realize it; aknowledge it; own it; learn from it; let it go; move on

 

I must say it's fascinating to sit here now and watch myself back then ...

 

hth

shunka

Edited by shunka
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I realised that this was necessary. And it might be again.

 

And there will be many young "me"s coming up every day. Now I understand :)

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When going through hell, keep going. - Churchill

 

Still Hell is better with the company of friends or to a good sound track. I really like this song when I'm down. It's smooth and bluesy and reminds us to Breathe, just breath.

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Months and months of frustration, confusion, difficulty, trying to figure shit out, worried about this, worried about that, running to the illusion in my head of what I think meditation is, what I think Tao is, what I think the right thing is, trying to keep the girlfriend happy, trying to keep the family happy, trying to keep on with my business, trying to stay strong, pushing the demons away, only for them to push back harder, suppressing, suffocating, getting weaker, then all this goes away, and I think I have found my way, and then the demons come back, and crush me further, and I'm even more confused, because I thought I had my way. So if I had my way and they still came back, then I must be worthless, useless. Frightened, I can't sleep, I can't eat, I try to meditated but the mind won't let me, the phone's going off, Skype is ringing, now I have the flu, now I can't move, now I'm depressed, suicidal, pretending to be happy because that's what people think I am, tight chest, can't breathe...I can't fucking breathe!

 

Well, you know what? I have to fucking breathe, or I'm a dead man. So I made myself breathe, I got up, took myself to a place where no one could see me, no one could hear me. There was the solid wall. These are my fight gloves. I screamed. I shouted. I thrashed at the wall. I cried. I killed. I shook. I slapped myself. I killed again. I broke that fucking demon in half.

 

This is my liberation. This morning has woken me the fuck up.

 

Thank yoh for reading. I apologise for nothing. Someone out there will need this one day to.

 

I hope they see this, it could save their lives, their relationships, their sanity.

 

Peace x

 

 

 

What a great post ! Its .... real ! I am wondering how old you are ...... sounds like 'Saturn return' ? ? ?

 

"Saturn comes back around. Lifts you up like a child or

Drags you down like a stone

To consume you till you choose to let this go.

 

Give away the stone. Let the oceans take and

Transmutate this cold and fated anchor.

Give away the stone. Let the waters kiss and

Transmutate these leaden grudges into gold."

Let go.

 

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... but after you 'burn off' that energy .

 

 

Maybe do a Haka Bro ? Its good for ya !

 

Edited by Nungali
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What a great post ! Its .... real ! I am wondering how old you are ...... sounds like 'Saturn return' ? ? ?

 

"Saturn comes back around. Lifts you up like a child or

Drags you down like a stone

To consume you till you choose to let this go.

 

Give away the stone. Let the oceans take and

Transmutate this cold and fated anchor.

Give away the stone. Let the waters kiss and

Transmutate these leaden grudges into gold."

Let go.

 

 

Tool. Nice. (on topic too!)

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What a great post ! Its .... real ! I am wondering how old you are ...... sounds like 'Saturn return' ? ? ?

 

"Saturn comes back around. Lifts you up like a child or

Drags you down like a stone

To consume you till you choose to let this go.

 

Give away the stone. Let the oceans take and

Transmutate this cold and fated anchor.

Give away the stone. Let the waters kiss and

Transmutate these leaden grudges into gold."

Let go.

 

Wow, great post too!

 

Tool is my favourite band and this is one of my favourite songs.

 

Tool introduced me to the idea of self-exploration at the age of 14.

 

I'm 27 right now.

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:) The steadier the breath; the less the need to fight: breath just right and you can sing as the sun goes down ...

Still working on that formula myself, good luck with yours.
Your kids will love the song and sleep better for it.

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... but after you 'burn off' that energy .

 

 

Maybe do a Haka Bro ? Its good for ya !

 

Lol :)

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@Nungali Just been reading into Saturn Return. Maybe these are early signs?

 

I have really felt a change in my maturity levels since 26. Priorities have changed dramatically but 2014 in general was a year where I focused intensely on doing lots of labour to help not only my home life, but my family that I moved away from.

 

Now all of a sudden, I feel overly emotional. Yesterday I had a conversation with a business senior of mine and his words made my heart pound. I suddenly felt that I had been given energy and purpose, just with his presence and the sincerity in how he spoke to me.

 

Then I re-read your quote from the song, and it brought a tear to my eye. These are words that always engrained in me from such a young age and I never knew why that was until now.

 

I have no control over this, and I don't want control. I feel a slave to it and it feels gooooood.

 

I guess it's what's best for me. Better this than supressing :)

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And we must continue to battle the demons. We never really win, they just go into hiding for a while.

Na. Sometimes we trace them down to the end of their dark caves, slay them and forge strange weapons out of their bones.

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Na. Sometimes we trace them down to the end of their dark caves, slay them and forge strange weapons out of their bones.

It's nice to see the "can do" attitude.

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Na. Sometimes we trace them down to the end of their dark caves, slay them and forge strange weapons out of their bones.

and sometimes what looks like a demon is really an old childhood anger or grudge that's throwing a tantrum and if left alone will settle down all by itself.

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@Rara

Much of it I can relate to. I envy your lucky parts. That you have a place to go to where you can be totally inhibited, where you can fight. That you have people whose presence fill you with purpose, who are on the level you need for nourishment.

 

One thing is confirmed again: For mental health, we need to be able and allowed to openly and freely express our emotions.

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@Rara

Much of it I can relate to. I envy your lucky parts. That you have a place to go to where you can be totally inhibited, where you can fight. That you have people whose presence fill you with purpose, who are on the level you need for nourishment.

 

One thing is confirmed again: For mental health, we need to be able and allowed to openly and freely express our emotions.

Absolutely.

 

Anyone with any difficulties finding a place to vent, I advise carrying an A4 notepad anywhere you go and pen so when you have 5-10 mins, write EVERYTHING down in your mind. Even if it scares you or you find it embarrasing, who cares? It will cleanse the mind.

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An update:

 

I have noticed my mind conflicting with itself. Last night, all the negativity came to tell me everything that's wrong with my new business venture and all danger signs to point me to an early exit.

 

"If you quit now, you might save yourself from a lot of pain later on"

 

 

Then:

 

"If you quit now, what will everybody think? What about the people close to you that are investing? They will hate you forever for leading them on"

 

And so forth.

 

Today I woke up and noticed the other voice arguing back. Positive, determined to fight its corner. Claims that huge success is possible here but only if I'm putting the time and effort in.

 

So the mind seems to be making its own mind up. I am going to say I should just sit here and let "them" carry on. Be patient, and the answer will arrive...

 

I welcome any other opinions on this. Certainly a weird time in my life, that's for sure!

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When conflicted like that, think about what the consequences of each course of action are and which one you'd rather encounter. But there might also be more options. Personally I find what people often neglect in such situations is the option of communicating.

Because if you notice several things that seem like indicating a recipe for disaster, it could be that you're afraid and thus focusing on those, but it could also be justified. I can only speak for myself, but these days when I notice signs that something might be a bad idea, usually it is. Then my choice is either let it go or go with it and let a part of me die, to adapt against my nature.

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An update:

 

 

Yeah, I used to argue with myself all the time too. Anymore I just find others I can argue with and find I am more a peace that way. (Well, sure, I do sometimes piss others off but that would likely happen anyhow.)

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Wow, great post too!

 

Tool is my favourite band and this is one of my favourite songs.

 

Tool introduced me to the idea of self-exploration at the age of 14.

 

I'm 27 right now.

 

Hmmm ... 27 is pretty close to a Saturn return . It could help to read up on that .

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