The meditation freak out

[Rara]

Hello all,

 

I posted a few months ago in regard to Zazen practice and slightly open eyes that somewhat cross. I thank all that participated as now I feel that I have benefited greatly from the experience

 

I have recently been practicing a chi/soul finding exercise that I found on Youtube from the Wudang guys. I was happy to see that the Zazen practice prepared me well for this...now I am to use visualisation...something that I find difficult if my eyes are slightly open and I can see that I am still in my front room!

 

But this isn't my problem...I know I will overcome this with practice.

 

The real issue arose last week. I am prone to anxiety and almost bi-polar type behaviour but I have had this fairly under control in the last year or so. But recently, panic attacks have been regular, and I often find myself waking in the night. I have had some family issues in the past and they have resurfaced recently so I'm certain this has rocked the boat along with some added financial stress as of late.

 

But last week I found myself in a very bad way. I spent a week with one of my old school friends. He stayed with me for a couple of days then I stayed at his for a few days in preparation for a big barbeque party. All started fine but as the days went by, I noticed that each chi meditation I did in the morning became more and more disrupted to the point where on Monday, the day I was set to travel home, I sat there freaking out for the whole 30 minutes! I was agitated, my lower back felt stiff, and there were negative voices everywhere. I felt too week to watch and control my breath and I just couldn't focus at all...I was just submitting to all the horrible words and scenarios that were in my head.

 

Ok, so the week leading up to this did include a lot of weed, tobacco, energy drinks and alcohol. Sleep deprivation and some junk food (I tried my best to be good here! For the best part my diet was ok) ... so I guess I really do know the culprits (along with my family situation for me to nicely dwell on) BUT at the same time, what can I do? My old friend knows me too well...and I feel I would be alienating myself if I didn't keep up with the partying.

 

A different (and wise) friend of mine told me that tobacco, alcohol and energy drinks would mess with my chi (not weed though, he likes the odd smoke) but I never really thought about it until this happened.

 

All I know is that after last week, it has made me pissed at myself. I have been really moody since and I've upset my girlfriend only because I couldn't find a way to smile or be happy. I've literally been wallowing in some state depression for a week now and gradually I'm getting out but shit - I feel like I've destroyed myself just by hanging out with old school mates for a week and being "me".

 

Sorry for the long post, I just need some advice on where I should go from here. I have a gut instinct, but I would like to see what y'all say first...

 

Many thanks in advance for those that have read this and want to reply.

[Flolfolil]

Yes, if you want to give up partying most if not all of your partying friends will most likely leave you. BUT - only if the only thing you ever did together was party. Just speaking from experience here :/ sad truth...

[RiverSnake]

Ironically, I am at my fraternity meeting at this exact moment. If you want to hang and party, just get a solo cup of water and pretend your drinking....use psychic shields when your at parties and smoke a cigar instead of weed and cigarettes.....you look classy and you can smoke one the whole night without completely poisoning yourself.....also you can bless whatever you smoke for purity so it doesn't destroy your body....as much.....or you can just stop doing all those things....change your group of friends and become like most esoteric practitioners...having very few muggle friends.

 

My 2 cents, Peace

Edited August 24, 2013 by OldChi

[steve]

All I know is that after last week, it has made me pissed at myself. I have been really moody since and I've upset my girlfriend only because I couldn't find a way to smile or be happy. I've literally been wallowing in some state depression for a week now and gradually I'm getting out but shit - I feel like I've destroyed myself just by hanging out with old school mates for a week and being "me".

Imagine that a close friend came to you with this same story.

How would you react?

Hopefully you would listen patiently and offer warmth, support, and encouragement.

 

Now offer this generosity and kindness to yourself.

Don't be angry but do learn from the experience.

Your mind and body are telling you what they think about alcohol, weed, unhealthy food, and so forth.

 

Don't expect to change all of your behaviors over night.

I promise there will be ups and downs.

Punishing yourself is not as productive as learning from the experiences and starting again with a fresh outlook and enthusiasm.

 

Good luck!

[silent thunder]

I'm with steve on this... give yourself some love.

You spent time with people who obviously meant a lot to you in the recent past.

While there, you may have noticed some things that no longer serve you.

But that in no means is an indication that everything was a process of destruction or loss.

 

I'd bet you shared a few awesome laughs and some great stories. In my opinion, the energetic response generated in a moment between people who are genuinely sharing, is part of the alchemy that the Tao talks of so succinctly.

 

Don't underestimate either, the impact you could have had on them.

The center is everywhere. Even in the midst of an all out beer bash/hash fest.

 

Live openly, Love fully.

[Flolfolil]

smoke a cigar instead of weed and cigarettes.....you can smoke one the whole night without completely poisoning yourself....

implying that a huge amount of tobacco is less poisonous than a moderate to small amount of marijuana

[RiverSnake]

Ironically, I am at my fraternity meeting at this exact moment. If you want to hang and party, just get a solo cup of water and pretend your drinking....using psychic shields when your at parties and smoke a cigar instead of weed and cigarettes.....you look classy and you can smoke one the whole night without completely poisoning yourself.....also you can bless whatever you smoke for purity so it doesn't destroy your body....as much.....or you can just stop doing all those things....change your group of friends and become like most esoteric practitioners...having very few muggle friends.

My 2 cents, Peace

I thought i would add a 3rd alternative.....you can choose moderation. Have a 1-2 beer maximum. I don't think there is any way to smoke weed or cigarettes moderately, weed messes pretty badly with ones energy and cigarettes have so many poisonous chemicals put in them (unless you grow the tobacco yourself) as can weed. A good quality cigar is preferable, I smoke them on special occasions.

 

My 2 cents, Peace

Edited August 23, 2013 by OldChi

[chi 2012]

Ironically, I am at my fraternity meeting at this exact moment. If you want to hang and party, just get a solo cup of water and pretend your drinking....using psychic shields when your at parties and smoke a cigar instead of weed and cigarettes.....you look classy and you can smoke one the whole night without completely poisoning yourself.....also you can bless whatever you smoke for purity so it doesn't destroy your body....as much.....or you can just stop doing all those things....change your group of friends and become like most esoteric practitioners...having very few muggle friends.

 

My 2 cents, Peace

 

This is the womanizer way to party. By the end of the night all the drunk dudes will be puking and slobbering all over the place. Meanwhile Old Chi will have his pick of any girl he wants.

[Rara]

Awesome...thanks for these early replies! The whole not being hard on myself bit is a big thing for me. That always tends to make things worse! So I will show myself more love and support in that respect.

 

And yes,

[Rara]

Awesome...thanks for these early replies! The whole not being hard on myself bit is a big thing for me. That always tends to make things worse! So I will show myself more love and support in that respect.

 

And yes, there were many laughs, but also I found that I had grown out of a lot of the "humour". So yes, I think there could be an attachment to the lifestyle which I know is bad for my Taoist practice. I guess maybe a slight fear that I could eventually lose all my friends as I don't know anybody like me who is local at all!

 

So I shouldn't be too concerned about the stiff tension in my lower back? I feel very stressed and lethargic still. Just continue the practice and allow it to pass?

[SecretGrotto]

Environment is stronger than will power.

 

That's all I got!

[C T]

When facing temporary struggles with your practice, its ok to drop your routine and do self-Tonglen for a while (at least). I find it usually helps to lift the gloom and bring about an almost immediate boost. Its like getting a dose of energy drink (in a formless way).

 

Anyone can do Tonglen, not just buddhists. Have a read here: http://www.naljorprisondharmaservice.org/pdf/Tonglen.htm

 

 

 

Wishing you peace and happiness.

[Flolfolil]

tonglen makes me feel terrible

[Rara]

I will take a look, thanks!

[Rara]

tonglen makes me feel terrible

How come?

 

Just read it and I can see how I can use this on myself right now. Thanks!

 

What I didn't get was the part about doing it for other people...breathe in their pain and breathe out forgiveness? For what? Or do we just just breathe out compassion...say if I stumbled upon a person crying in the street, for example?

 

Getting a bit sidetracked. Meh, it's all relative!

[FokusFyre]

Hello all,

 

I posted a few months ago in regard to Zazen practice and slightly open eyes that somewhat cross. I thank all that participated as now I feel that I have benefited greatly from the experience

 

I have recently been practicing a chi/soul finding exercise that I found on Youtube from the Wudang guys. I was happy to see that the Zazen practice prepared me well for this...now I am to use visualisation...something that I find difficult if my eyes are slightly open and I can see that I am still in my front room!

 

But this isn't my problem...I know I will overcome this with practice.

 

The real issue arose last week. I am prone to anxiety and almost bi-polar type behaviour but I have had this fairly under control in the last year or so. But recently, panic attacks have been regular, and I often find myself waking in the night. I have had some family issues in the past and they have resurfaced recently so I'm certain this has rocked the boat along with some added financial stress as of late.

 

But last week I found myself in a very bad way. I spent a week with one of my old school friends. He stayed with me for a couple of days then I stayed at his for a few days in preparation for a big barbeque party. All started fine but as the days went by, I noticed that each chi meditation I did in the morning became more and more disrupted to the point where on Monday, the day I was set to travel home, I sat there freaking out for the whole 30 minutes! I was agitated, my lower back felt stiff, and there were negative voices everywhere. I felt too week to watch and control my breath and I just couldn't focus at all...I was just submitting to all the horrible words and scenarios that were in my head.

 

Ok, so the week leading up to this did include a lot of weed, tobacco, energy drinks and alcohol. Sleep deprivation and some junk food (I tried my best to be good here! For the best part my diet was ok) ... so I guess I really do know the culprits (along with my family situation for me to nicely dwell on) BUT at the same time, what can I do? My old friend knows me too well...and I feel I would be alienating myself if I didn't keep up with the partying.

 

A different (and wise) friend of mine told me that tobacco, alcohol and energy drinks would mess with my chi (not weed though, he likes the odd smoke) but I never really thought about it until this happened.

 

All I know is that after last week, it has made me pissed at myself. I have been really moody since and I've upset my girlfriend only because I couldn't find a way to smile or be happy. I've literally been wallowing in some state depression for a week now and gradually I'm getting out but shit - I feel like I've destroyed myself just by hanging out with old school mates for a week and being "me".

 

Sorry for the long post, I just need some advice on where I should go from here. I have a gut instinct, but I would like to see what y'all say first...

 

Many thanks in advance for those that have read this and want to reply.

Weed makes you prone to schizophrenia. Switch to Spring Forest Qigong or Kunlun would be my advice. Stay away from Kundalini stuff. Could be neg attachment. Check out Robert Bruces pyschic self defense.

[Rara]

Weed makes you prone to schizophrenia. Switch to Spring Forest Qigong or Kunlun would be my advice. Stay away from Kundalini stuff. Could be neg attachment. Check out Robert Bruces pyschic self defense.

Not sure how true that is...doctor told me that it could "trigger an episode in someone that is already schizophrenic" rather than causing it.

 

Then again, I don't know if it's the meditation, weed or both...but I have been watching my thoughts and have realised that they are indeed voices too. The same thing. But this has only become clear to me now. I don't know if this is too healthy, but someone I spoke to about it gave me the impression that it is because it means I can now learn to not get consumed by my thoughs and be more mindful...

[Flolfolil]

i just cannot handle or genuinely care about other peoples' problems a lot of the time. Taking in their problems only serves to worsen my problems

[Flolfolil]

just an fyi, i can say with confidence that the practice of kunlun will bring you down from weed, at least some tryptamines and at least some dissociative. i believe it has some sort of anti depressant ssri effect because coming down from tripping by doing kunlun leg bouncing induces mild serotonin syndrome

[Rara]

i just cannot handle or genuinely care about other peoples' problems a lot of the time. Taking in their problems only serves to worsen my problems

I hear that...I tend to become all charitable and forget about myself! Lands me in trouble...

 

But used on myself, for myself could well be way different. I always give myself a hard time, but not others!

[Rara]

just an fyi, i can say with confidence that the practice of kunlun will bring you down from weed, at least some tryptamines and at least some dissociative. i believe it has some sort of anti depressant ssri effect because coming down from tripping by doing kunlun leg bouncing induces mild serotonin syndrome

Sorry, meaning if I decide to quit, it can aid my recovery?

[Seeker of Wisdom]

Schizophrenia is directly related to excess dopamine receptor sensitivity, excess dopamine, or both. Weed increases the concentration of dopamine to crazy levels and splits neurones. A link between schizophrenia and weed is supported by many studies.

 

A schizophrenic could trigger an episode by smoking some weed. Weed triggers the onset of schizophrenia in people with a genetic disposition for it... And also in people with no disposition for schizophrenia - it just takes a bit longer.

 

Besides, when is addiction to anything a good thing - especially for cultivators? When is inhaling smoke ever healthy?

 

Look, try giving up weed for 60 days. If you can't manage it, then that indicates an addiction so you should try to stop entirely if you value your free will. If you manage 60 days and feel no benefit, go back to smoking weed if you want to.

Edited August 24, 2013 by Seeker of Tao

[Flolfolil]

Sorry, meaning if I decide to quit, it can aid my recovery?

 

No, for me it can instantly bring me down from being high. It is like an eject button for bad drug experiences

[xor]

No, for me it can instantly bring me down from being high. It is like an eject button for bad drug experiences

 

Interesting, how do you do it?

[Rara]

@Seeker of Tao ... Thank you. I will work on this

 

@Flolfolil Ah, I see what you mean