awake

It's Worrysome that I don't know

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A central theme most recently in my thoughts has been in the area of making decisions, especially ones with what to do with time, and how to interpret my feelings and intuitions.

 

For example, I've received some instructions from various sources, which, in a time of need, were remembered, and I chose to act against them (I believe out of fear of the potential risk of changing my habitual way of being in the situation)

 

So, there's what "i should do" and what "i feel like doing", the latter of which I logically know I shouldn't be doing because it isn't helping me..

 

I go against the grain and soon after (usually the next morning, sometimes the same day) am filled with absolutely immense regret - which is really worry that I've either a) ruined everything, or b ) delayed my progress for an excessive amount of time.

 

I think logically that, really these are small issues that I am spending enormous amounts of energy fretting over, but the risk is big to me (because of how immense of problems a) and b ) are)

 

Other times, I am totally bewildered by a sense that I absolutely don't know what will happen, and either way there is huge risk of a) or b ). I always seem to make the choice that afterwards, makes me worry and regret, because since I don't know what has happened, it's very likely it is the bad thing.

 

Additionally, this outlook has attached itself to every possible place. Some major areas of thought I have in this way that cause me to think like this are:

 

I've already ruined too many opportunities and anything good I had coming to me is ruined.

 

Even if I feel better, that bad feeling was an opportunity to do something with it and I missed it because I'm only back to where I was before.

 

If there is any positive change from my normal state of consciousness, and then it's gone, I must have done something to ruin it and there goes that unique opportunity forever.

 

This is lunacy, but I believe it. I'm totally unsure of what I should be doing at times of practical decision making, and every instruction I "should" be doing is taken with a sense of all-pervasive strictness and urgency, that is, no room for flexibility. It's entirely overwhelming, I wonder if you can help with what I've talked about in this post.

 

PS. On this subject of worry, I know I have written a lot of threads I haven't responded to, and worry people here may get the impression that their responses aren't respected or even considered: I have read the answers repeatedly, but just "new issues" kept popping up and got in my way of returning to the ones I've posted about. I will eventually, possibly soon.

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A central theme most recently in my thoughts has been in the area of making decisions, especially ones with what to do with time, and how to interpret my feelings and intuitions.

 

For example, I've received some instructions from various sources, which, in a time of need, were remembered, and I chose to act against them (I believe out of fear of the potential risk of changing my habitual way of being in the situation)

 

So, there's what "i should do" and what "i feel like doing", the latter of which I logically know I shouldn't be doing because it isn't helping me..

 

I go against the grain and soon after (usually the next morning, sometimes the same day) am filled with absolutely immense regret - which is really worry that I've either a) ruined everything, or B) delayed my progress for an excessive amount of time.

 

I think logically that, really these are small issues that I am spending enormous amounts of energy fretting over, but the risk is big to me (because of how immense of problems a) and B) are)

 

Other times, I am totally bewildered by a sense that I absolutely don't know what will happen, and either way there is huge risk of a) or B). I always seem to make the choice that afterwards, makes me worry and regret, because since I don't know what has happened, it's very likely it is the bad thing.

 

Additionally, this outlook has attached itself to every possible place. Some major areas of thought I have in this way that cause me to think like this are:

 

I've already ruined too many opportunities and anything good I had coming to me is ruined.

 

Even if I feel better, that bad feeling was an opportunity to do something with it and I missed it because I'm only back to where I was before.

 

If there is any positive change from my normal state of consciousness, and then it's gone, I must have done something to ruin it and there goes that unique opportunity forever.

 

This is lunacy, but I believe it. I'm totally unsure of what I should be doing at times of practical decision making, and every instruction I "should" be doing is taken with a sense of all-pervasive strictness and urgency, that is, no room for flexibility. It's entirely overwhelming, I wonder if you can help with what I've talked about in this post.

 

PS. On this subject of worry, I know I have written a lot of threads I haven't responded to, and worry people here may get the impression that their responses aren't respected or even considered: I have read the answers repeatedly, but just "new issues" kept popping up and got in my way of returning to the ones I've posted about. I will eventually, possibly soon.

 

Hello Awake,

 

I think the first thing you need to do is realize that you can only do what you can do. Don't worry about the past, nor the future, all you have is right now. This is the easy way to do this, when you find you are worrying about something ask yourself these questions-

 

Is there anything I can do about this right now?

Is this something I need to do right now?

Is this something that really demands my attention?

 

If you answered yes to all of these, then you should probably do something about it, if no, then don't worry about it.

 

The problem with worrying is that it has to do with fear and control. Most people that have a large degree of worry and fear in their lives also have control issues and when things seem to be outside of their control they worry. Understanding that you will never really have control over anything in your life, that everything that happens, happens randomly, can help to alleviate your problems. Now if you are someone who has control issues, hearing that the future is beyond your absolute control may be terrifying, but the trick is to understand that it is only by giving up control that you actually are able to have control over your future. By saying I give myself over to "God", "Buddha", "Fate", or whatever you believe is in control of your future, you are allowing yourself to begin to behave in harmony with that higher power. By working in harmony with a higher power you are allowing it to work through you, rather than you trying to work it, which never works.

 

Anyways, that's my take on it. Ultimately it's up to you to make a change, but what I've learned over and over again is that people rarely change unless they suffer enough to cause them to make a change. If you have suffered enough then you will most likely seek a way to ease your suffering, if not then it might take awhile longer. Just keep in mind that nothing is the end but the end, so the best thing to do is trudge along until then, but try to remember that ultimately changing is up to you and until you make that decision yourself, nothing anyone else says will really make a difference.

 

Aaron

Edited by Twinner
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Even if I feel better, that bad feeling was an opportunity to do something with it and I missed it because I'm only back to where I was before.

 

If there is any positive change from my normal state of consciousness, and then it's gone, I must have done something to ruin it and there goes that unique opportunity forever.

 

 

so your saying that you miss opportunities, and then don't feel shitty enough about it to do something; that you would be driven to act if you allowed a "pity party" to drive you to action.

 

Make a list every day of what you have to accomplish, a list bigger than you could actually do in 24 hours, and then be motivated to accomplish all of those things

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Hi awake,

 

I think you're asking excellent questions. The question of "what should I do?" is the big cosmic one. Why this religion vs. that, this authority vs. that one? Who do you listen to, if not your self?

 

Of course, if you trust your own inner guidance, then woe betide! All the warnings you ignored, all the chances you had to follow someone else's path, that could have led you past the troubles that you got yourself into. Or would they?

 

You can never know the ultimate outcome of the choice you didn't make, and so here's the chance to torment yourself over "woulda, coulda, shouldas". Until you choose not to torment yourself anymore.

 

Ultimately, I don't see that any of us have the choice, other than to follow our own inner guidance. We may act as if we are doing the right thing by following the right religion, but it's still the choice we make. Every choice belongs to me, so if I don't want to just pinball my way around from guru to guru, I'd better start practicing following my own instincts, listen to what my own guidance tells me.

 

Which means, of course, that I have to be willing to accept failure. But I may as well do that, anyway, because I'm going to fail along the way, no matter which path I take.

 

And I need to learn to surrender regret, but just accept that the decision has been made. If evidence arises that shows me that I made a mistake, then I need to accept responsibility for it, and learn to clean up my mistakes. And learn.

 

But without going through the practice of trusting my inner compass, without surrendering worry, regret, and fear of failure, then I will never learn to be free, because I will always be living a photocopy of someone else's path; and I will always be dependent on being "right", which is nothing but a delusion, anyway.

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Just be ready, willing and able for no good reason, and stay there.

 

"Well I'm ready, willing and able,

To Rock and Roll all night."

 

(Sorry, couldn't resist.)

 

(BTW That's not me anymore. Hehehe.)

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If it's relevant, my mind loves to just think about the problems I have. I did nothing of the kind in the few moments I was actually pleasant to be around, and those were really fun for everyone! When I start this worry thing, it sort of blows out of proportion (overwhelms me) and then it is very hard for me to do anything to get out of it until somehow it goes away of its own volition. I'm currently in it, totally demotivated and down, sometimes finding myself doing things until I get to a point of thinking "what's the use" and stop and go sleep or think or badly meditate (totally unpresent).

 

Hi awake. Thanks for the clarification. I think forums like this are not always the best place to discuss deeper personal issues and such because other people only know other members from what they type in their posts, and how people actually are in real life and how they may appear in their posts can be quite different things altogether. Also, a lot of people may like to give advice but often don't take any real time to try to really understand the situation or appreciate the full significance of the situation, or they are just giving advice on things they would like to think are helpful but which may actually not be too helpful for the actual situation.

 

I would like to say from my very limited knowledge of your situation, just based on what I understand from what you have described in some of your posts here, that your problem of being really anxious sometimes and finding it hard to make decisions about various things does not appear to be just the average sort of indecision and anxiousness that people might normally experience from time to time. As far as coherence goes, I would say you are coherent enough but maybe a little hard to follow sometimes, but it really does seem that you can over-analyze everything to the point of finding even simple interaction with others and making simple decisions very difficult sometimes. If I am not too far off the mark here then I would think that it might be a good idea for you to actually do a little background research on different types of professional therapy practitioners and approaches and then consult with one or more professional therapists, if you haven't already done so, and be open and up front with them and explain the full situation to them and how you are thinking about things, etc., and see what advice or possible avenues of therapy they might offer. There are likely some good therapy approaches out there in existence for anxiety and related type issues that can go along with it such as difficulty in making decisions or difficulty interacting with others, etc. A professional therapist could probably go over some of the options with you as well as give you their professional opinion on what they think might be helpful for your particular situation.

 

Have you ever consulted a professional therapist of some sort regarding this, or given it any thought? Sometimes our own intuition or sorting out the various 'guidances' from others who may be presenting themselves as experts or masters and such is not really that helpful to us if we are not in a balanced place at the time to be able to give this advice a really balanced appraisal. A professional therapy approach of some sort could well help to get you into a more balanced place in this regard. However, this is also just my opinion based on what I can gather from your posts and I don't really know your exact situation. Getting a professional therapist's opinion (or even a few different opinions from different therapists) on your situation may well prove helpful for your situation however. Wish you the best with this... :)

Edited by The Way Is Virtue

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3) I definitely have anxiety regarding people. I think that unconsciously any decision I make that has some possibility of interacting with people has varying degrees of holding myself back attached to it: I have to act and think in specific patterns that are only very useful and effective in alienating myself from people, turning them off, offending them somehow (not through making fun of them, I don't know how this one happens), and not thinking or speaking very clearly or intelligently. This anxiety is one of my longest-standing traumas, and although I'm not sure how it occurred, my parents told me I was like this since I was younger than I have memory to remember. Although I do have a few memories of somehow breaking out of the mould and being pleasantly social until I began to analyze and think in my usual ways in those situations. I don't know how that anxiety may have spread to this worry, but the fear of the end result seems to be the same: I think I have/will put something into effect that will exponentially cause me some kind of bad situation in which I will be trapped for ever, which will only grow worse. With people, with anything. This causes me to retreat into my shell, to back off and do nothing where it is safe, even at the risk or guarantee of feeling immensely bad - although that is not even a consideration of mine, I want to avoid "ruining". The part where I "fry" when it comes to decision making is when I know I can't possibly predict what will happen, it is important to me, and I haven't even the faintest idea of which option might be the one to lead me where I want, and I worry that for different reasons, either option may be the wrong one, and I try and figure out which of those reasons are most likely to be valid, but I can't since it's all an interpretation anyway!

 

If it's relevant, my mind loves to just think about the problems I have. I did nothing of the kind in the few moments I was actually pleasant to be around, and those were really fun for everyone! When I start this worry thing, it sort of blows out of proportion (overwhelms me) and then it is very hard for me to do anything to get out of it until somehow it goes away of its own volition. I'm currently in it, totally demotivated and down, sometimes finding myself doing things until I get to a point of thinking "what's the use" and stop and go sleep or think or badly meditate (totally unpresent).

Hi Awake. I commend you on your ability to be so forthright and clear about what's happening in your life. I think that's a really great sign. As you mentioned, seeing what's out of balance is not the same thing as finding balance, but I do think it's a huge part of the solution.

 

I also have a great deal of social anxiety. In fact, I'm really only recently waking up to that fact. One of my worst social fears is similar to what you described: my fear that I'll be in a bad mood, around people I like. When I'm in a bad mood, I just seem to say and do all the wrong things. The part of me that is able to stay aware and observe my action, seems to be in slow-motion, when I'm in a bad mood. Words are coming out of my mouth, and some part of me is shouting "noooooo......!"

 

So, of course, I find reasons not to be around others, so I don't risk embarrassing myself. And over the years, it has been a self-feeding loop, so I've become more and more self-dependent, and I let people fade from my life.

 

What is the answer? I don't know. Practice is the best thing I've found, thus far. Meaning to take the risk, put myself into the social situation, do my best, stay as calm and centered as I can, and most of all, enjoy myself. I've avoided a lot of parties over the years, but now, when I do go (and I try to make as many as I can), I rarely find myself having a bad time, or getting in a bad mood. Every once in a while, I still mess up, and speak harsher or plainer than I should, or receive someone's opinion with a "no", etc., but I try to see what I've done, clean it up as soon as possible, forgive myself, and then move on.

 

As far as regret goes, I used to suffer a great deal from that, as well. Regret can be one of the most painful and miserable experiences I've had. Thankfully, I feel regret much less than before, I think mostly because I'm now choosing to follow my own guidance, to laugh about the mistakes, and to forgive myself. I am now dedicated to seeing all areas of my life as growth, not as "getting it right". So every mistake is just part of the process of learning, nothing more. That's more than just a mind-game, by the way, it really has become a way of seeing the world, which makes my clumsiness valuable, and useful, because I don't reject it; I let it be and learn by it. I let myself be human.

 

I hope you too, will allow yourself to be human. Your clarity in looking at your life is very good; if you can also accept where you're at, I think you'll find it much easier to keep growing.

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My suggestion to you, Awake, would be to consider working the 12 steps of recovery. In the first step, where it says "I admitted that I am powerless over alcohol and that my life is unmanageable", substitute the word "Life" for alcohol. It will work just as well to do tremendous inner housecleaning where these fears of yours will naturally dissipate.

 

I realize that nobody will actually do this unless motivated by a life-and-death situation like imminent alcoholism or drug addiction. But if you are deadly serious about wanting to make inner changes, this would be a very quick and effective way to do it. And it will kick off the ball for self-awareness, which is a lifelong inner course of study. Your life will change drastically.

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