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This is an article I wrote many years ago (11) during my early days of meditation. https://www.medhajournal.com/the-i-of-the-storm/ I strongly recommend for anyone who is struggling currently to persevere and do more studying of nondual texts, along with their regular meditation practice. It might help you resolve these sort of “issues” sooner.
No matter how auspicious an idea may appear as it is known by a knower from within the mind, identification with being anything in particular is essentially self-imposed limitation. The guru admonishes to leave concepts behind, to relinquish the identity of doership and acting, to be free of burdens not needful which may become to us as obstacles. Being is without doing. One can not help but simply Be oneself. All that must be done is then done rightly and naturally. Simply be as one has been, as one already is and as one will forever be. Be as you are, for the naturalness of this being that we are is that which makes the supposed becoming of anything in particular possible. Being this being, is to naturally abandon this or that identity. In this being, it's revealed that one is the knowing-ness of knowledge, the doing-ness of that which is done; the essence, the very being-ness of being itself. The Power of power. There's no being of this or that, there is only this-ness or that-ness, through and through. The heart of being, which is being, and beyond it. The Paramakash, so far removed from what the mind can imagine, that even the pure consciousness "I AM" seems to be an almost alien thing. From Paramakash, to Mahadakash: The gods and devas may possess names and forms, but the "light" of consciousness is completely attributeless. Without a body, it embodies all. That "light" which illuminates the mind as a reflection, is no more the mind or its contents than the Sun is equal to the daylight it provides. Lord Krishna: "By Me, in My unmanifested form, this entire universe is pervaded. All beings are in Me, but I am not in them. And yet everything that is created does not rest in Me. Behold My mystic opulence! Although I am the maintainer of all living entities and although I am everywhere, I am not a part of this cosmic manifestation, for My Self is the very source of creation." Innumerable states seem to appear upon or within this "light", along with the appearance of one(s) who appear(s) to traverse them. Eternally back and forth, seesawing up and down, the actions and inaction of the apparent many is reflected in the waking dream and deep sleep states. One can get comfortable in a dream of one's own making, lucid even, yet become mesmerized by the powers of awareness in the dream. One can become engrossed in the indulgences of physicality, unsatiated by desires of experiencing waking life to its presumed fullest potential. These states come and these states go. Yet there exists a "state" which never comes and never goes, beyond even the self-love that is undifferentiated bliss experienced in deep sleep. It is all there is. Conscious, unconscious, both conscious and unconscious, and Neither. The original being, experienceless, stateless in its state, in which all states and all experiences appear as if they were themselves dreams of a dreamer unknown.
I am told I am human... and I get it. I'm human. I'm human in the manner of my mother and father and my ancestors and all humans... I grew as a human, yet where inside me is the essential human part? I can see humans around me and recognize them as human instantly, every time... well ok, sometimes it gets a bit grey at Walmart and Comic-Con, but when I look inside to find the source of that human recognition, all I encounter, is non human bits. When I look inside myself to find what is human, no matter what human bits I examine... my human teeth, my human nervous system, my human frontal lobe, my human opposable thumb, my human speech... no where is there any human element that this is comprised of... It seems I experience my humanity and any humanity only within a pattern. A human pattern that grows entirely from non human elements... so at what point does the non human become human? What is the essence of human? Where does it reside? When I observe a single human liver cell, I perceive one living being, in an environment, engaging in processes that affect its surroundings. It has a life span. It is a liver cell, living and engaging in what liver cells do. It is not alone, it works within a pattern of similar individuals that form into an organ I call my human liver. Yet if I delve inside the cell, even within the very human DNA, there is no human element. At what point does the transition occur, from individual liver organisms to a human liver? If I widen my scope I can see how the liver engages with the colonies of living cells in the heart, spleen, lungs, kidneys, bladder. Systems supporting other systems. Systems suppressing other systems. Patterns comprised entirely of individuals made entirely of non human bits... that somehow easily seems recognizable as human at a certain point. So where is the essential humanness? What is human and where is it? Where does it start and end? Often of late, I look around and perceive patterns. Patterns within patterns, as within, so without... Patterns comprised of individuals, individuals comprised of patterns, all naturally growing within frameworks so innately interwoven that in the end all patterns mingle fluidly into the whole. edit for spelling
Where is the music? Where does it live? in the instrument? in the musician? in the listener? in the movements? in the air? in the ear? drums felt in bones, need no ears to be heard. is there still music there? so what is music? where does it live? where does music start? in the mind of the musician? or somewhere in the answers above? if I think about music, only in my thoughts, is that still music? is thinking music, music? does music end? just fade away beyond hearing and dissolve? or is it endlessly resonant... vibrating outward? is it cyclically resonant, so long as it has something to bounce off of? where does it live? what is music? who makes the music? who's listening to the music? Now, reread the above questions and trade the word music for Witness... This rang my bell yesterday when someone asked in another thread where the witness resides... it is poignant and deeply resonant for me, so I share it.