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I don't really know why I'm making this post. Maybe I need help understanding what we are. Maybe it is to show how beautiful something can be when two open hearts come together. Or maybe it is just to solve issues. I met my wife almost 4 years ago. I traveled 4000 miles into the unknown and landed in her house since she rented out a room for AirBnB. Short story. She was seperated for 4 years from her husband and didn't date. Someone asked if she wanted to go to a party, and if he could just drive her. "What could be the harm" she said. Well they didn't make it to the party.. Carcrash.. she broke her ribs. The next day I arrived in her house. We met and I took care of her for 3 months. There was an instant connection, like we knew each other for ages. It felt surreal. In retrospect it felt like we where both in a fugue state or something. We started talking and never stopped. I saw through her essence and felt how she really is. If you ever heard about twin flames (from those new age books). It felt like that. Including the age age difference. She is 28 years older than me; although people that see us together don't seem to notice it. It's like our energy vibrates together. Even stranger, there is some feeling in me that I feel like a father towards her. I call her my little girl. Now four years later. I still love her, love her even more. I love her so much it impedes me from being myself. From the other thread people might know that I had parathyroid issues followed by something like an opening of the hearth (chakra). Past pains resurfaced; and I remember never been young, only been small. At least that's how I phrase it. A lot of loneliness in my childhood, combined with emotional neglect. My mother couldn't show love because of what happened in her childhood. She died when I was 20 and she both told me an my sister that she always loved us but couldn't show it. That was after 3 years of cancer and me taking care of her. After her death I took care of my dad until he found a girlfriend and I was left on my own. I had a dark night of the soul that lasted many months. It almost destroyed me, but now it seems it made me stronger. I took about 10 years to fully recover and at age 30 I set off on a spiritual journey in which I forsake the idea of love and concentrated on my "mission" in life. Which was just more a feeling than a concrete thing. I landed in her lap basically; after a strange series of events that where so weird it not only made me convinced about something spiritual but also showed a glimpse of my (and any human's) potential. Although I know our deep connection, there is something that feels off. At first I thought it was my pain body, but I feel there is more out there. It is hard to know what exactly what I feel or place it into a context. My wife was my first experience and what I thought, my always and my last. I am not so certain about this now. I might have done the most stupid thing and told her about this. I have a hard time lying or keeping things secret and she already felt emotionally what I told her in words. We still love each other deeply and I want to be there for her; but on the other hand their are so many omens and everything seems to fall apart. Even my illness seems to be an expression of something emotional and spiritual. Agape; the highest form of love is what we feel for each other. Below that our regular egoistic love started to grow. More on her side than on mine; although I also feel egoistic love for her; yet less. I don't know what to make of this journey that is our lives. I always had hunches about the future; mostly in dreams at night, sometimes it comes as something I know without recalling how. Maybe they are just possibilities and by having them I've been given the permission to change the future. I might have done this already and literally saved her life if that was the case. Or maybe I just see her death nearing if I didn't. In the middle of this Ziran. It sends me every spiritual person and book around me, my way. My vibration must be rising and it is starting to feel like I felt 4 years ago. Only I am in a better place with more support. From people saying me to strengthen my lower chakras to guiding me to Qi-gong, to pointing out I should read the Dao of physics. I am sure the universe is working its hardest to move me in the right direction; and I feel like I'm failing or rather making mistakes. I know this has nothing to do with Dao; but it has everything to do with Dao. It is the Dao to the Dao in which you start to realize the Dao by becoming the Dao so you may become one with the Dao. Also, I might need a master; but Ziran has been so grateful; I don't know if there is a master I would accept.