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This May will mark the completion of my 20th year upon this earth. Becoming 20 has definitely caused me to realize that the next 10 or so years will probably be the prime of my life, when I will have the most potential to do or achieve anything I want. These days, time seems to be passing quicker to me as well, which probably indicates that I need to use it wisely. I've struggled with creativity ever since becoming a young adult, and it has become even harder as I've grown into a man and become subject to hormonal urges. I know this is natural but I feel that being essentially an animal at the mercy of these urges is not a good thing either, and is a drain on life force. Basic logic indicates that the more distracted I am with purely sexual feelings, then the less open my heart will be, and the less open my creative mind will be. The way I can sense that I need to return to cultivation and/or celibacy is when the sex energy starts seeming dull or un-potent. I think that the way it works is that the more sex energy you expend, the less powerful it becomes. Sex is enjoyable, yet doesn't necessarily make me happy. I compare it to other physical sensations, which are pleasurable but very fleeting in the grand scheme of things. On the other hand, I feel that other capacities of humans - love, creativity, compassion, are eternal. I like deep sensational feelings of the soul, and to me the sensations of the body that sex offers are just an analogue to that, essentially these two are yin and yang. Neither are bad, but they need harmony. I'm not currently with anyone at present, though I have been in the past. Currently I'm not sexually interested in anyone whom my heart is not with. I feel that creativity is something my heart is at least more invested in, in present. I've been celibate in the past and I've noticed that it become more intense the longer it goes on. I recall it feeling like a constant heat, which at times could make me angry but at other times I would feel very emotionally vulnerable, and also more aware of the world. I read that after 600 days of celibacy a man will reset to the jing-life force strength of a young and vigorous 16-year old boy. I'm not a huge fan of specific numbers, but if an older man can attain that in that amount of time, I, at 20, should have no problem after a year and a half of celibacy. The ability to transmute the energy into creative things is something that I've only learned to do with time, also, and no small amount of practice and maturity on my part. However, I've had confidence issues in the past, and the good news is that being celibate makes you bold and confident almost by default (at least in my experience).
from the preface of roger scruton's Beauty ; "Beauty can be consoling, disturbing,sacred, profane,it can be exhilarating, inspiring,chilling. It can affect us in an unlimited variety of ways. Yet it is never viewed with indifference: beauty demands to be noticed; it speaks to us directly like the voice of an intimate friend." altho we do differ in taste, beauty is a universal truth. i absolutely agree that beauty will even find an astonishing way to speak to us on a level that confirms its existence. beauty can also be dangerous, however the greatest danger to humanity, is if we lose our ideal of beauty. beauty can come to us in unexpected moments. beauty can be pondered upon and appreciated, it lights wonder. beauty is the great ideal that comes from plato's world of the good. the encounter with beauty touches us in a way i would call uncanny. beauty has the power to capture us, beauty connects us with the keys that remind us of what a wonderful privilege it is to be here. in the luckiest of moments we are struck by beauty. beauty is found in the higher levels of art, nature, and if we have an affinity for beauty, then, it is seen in everyday life. the Moody Blues song Tuesday Afternoon tells of an encounter with beauty in nature. i do have the idea of the expereince they express in song. here in kentucky, a local example of encountering beauty in nature is viewing the moonbow at cumberland falls. it is an encounter rich with the elements of nature. this event is made of natural events that are beautiful in their own right. there is a wild river running thru the forest. this waterfalls is a spectacular display of beauty in nature. there is the shining light of the full moon. each of these elements of nature connects one with beauty. these natural elements of beauty combine to produce the moonbow. a rainbow is another element of nature that displays beauty. to see one under the night sky is resplendant. under the shining light of the full moon, at a very aesthetic waterfalls, the moonbow is splendidly arrayed and gives us a magnificent view of the sublime. it is exhilarating, inspiring, beautiful, and sacred. here one looks at the soul of nature. edit>spelling