DreamBliss

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About DreamBliss

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    Aspiring YouTuber, Gamer, Artist and Writer

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  1. Sometime in the next 4 months I will be homeless

    A bit of an update... First thank you Nungali, I needed the smile that reply gave me. So two things have changed: 1. I now have my application into the school district. No jobs at either of the locations I can walk to for which I wish to apply as yet. 2. My mom is dead-set against the idea I broached with here and dad, of offering the landlord $1,000 a month, $1,200 at most to stay here and see what he says. She says she feels intuitively that we need to move. I call bullshit. I don't think she is listening to her gut at all, and have good reason to say this. But it is what it is. When the lease expires, that's it, we're leaving, whether or not we have anywhere to go. That's the hand I have been dealt and must play. I have more to say, but the community here, as good as it may be, is not equipped to handle that, so I'll carry that burden on my own.
  2. Sometime in the next 4 months I will be homeless

    Thank you. I truly appreciate that!
  3. No tear-jerking or trickery here. Just the facts as I currently understand them. Sometime in June or July, although it may happen before, we (all of us living here) are parting ways, and my parents as well as myself need another place to live. I no longer wish to live with my parents. I wish to stand on my own, have my own space or place. And I wish to do this on my terms - not how society dictates. I know it can be done, but so far I have proven not up to the task. I want to be sure my parents are settled somewhere nice, so I can feel free to worry about myself. Ideally I would get my own little house - just two bedrooms - one for sleeping and one for creating content for YouTube. I like what I am doing for YouTube right now. I know that it is not uncommon, once you get through all the hoops and hurtles, to earn $4,000 a video. It is just one unconventional way to do something you enjoy that others are willing to pay you for, and in that way you are of service. My little house would have a well-drained, not mucky and private backyard with at least one old tree I could sit under and mediate. Room to do Tai-chi and yoga. Either easy access to transportation, funds to pay for a Lyft or something like that, or my own car. A hot tub I could use to heal my achy sore body. Ideally I would have a $5,000 budget to build a new computer and get the gear I need to keep doing what I do. Anything left would pay for a physical trainer and a yoga teacher. That is a brief sketch of my dream. It's a nice looking future, but I can't see any way to it from here. Its like looking at a beautiful painting on the wall, wanting to go there, but of course you are unable to. What my immediate future looks like to me is that either the computer I am currently using (that has parts from when I built it in 2012-2013) will give out, or I will give up on YouTube because I am struggling to get my subscriber count up, through no fault of my own, or simply because I will be homeless, and have no way to keep making content. I have done all I know to do and tried all I know to try. I have been aware of the Universe speaking to me through coincidence, handing me two books that both essentially said the same thing about envisioning your ideal future and allowing the future to pull you towards it, instead of letting the past define your future, which is the default state we are all improperly raised to be in. I worked my arse off these last few months at YouTube and am even trying to get a job in the local school district as a supplemental plan until I am doing better at YouTube, assuming I even manage to do better. And now I am dealing with these compounding health issues. There are darker and deeper aspects of this I might speak of later. But for now, this is what I perceive. Just asking for your help, in whatever way you are willing to provide it. Prayers, sending energy - the usual. Tony Robbins tells how he used to be a janitor, and something like a month later, he flew over the building where he used to work in a private helicopter, headed to one of his events. Other accounts are littered throughout history, and there is just as much information on abundance and manifestation. I am well-versed and studied in these materials, yet I have been unable to achieve success. Mastin Kipp talks about inflexible nervous systems as being one of the reasons people can't change. That is the next tangent I am chasing. But I have learned that looking at myself as if I am broken only creates more brokenness I need to fix. In other words, if I am searching for a problem in myself I will surly find it, and this will never end - the ouroboros eating its own tail. The trap of all self-help. It is still difficult to tell myself that I am perfect as I am. That there is nothing broken, nothing wrong with me. That I just don't fit and there are simply adjustments I need to make. Then I recently realized that I don't need to pull out of this nose-dive that is my life, I just need to jump out of the plane and let it crash. The plane is my past, and by trying to do anything to correct my life based on the past I chain myself to it and all the ruts I have been mired in for years. Better to bail out and start over. But even these recent things I have learned have not been enough to help me take a single step towards any sort of desirable future or life I actually want to live. I am posting this to "come out" as it were, to ask for help and let it be known I need it. To make my desires and needs known. To put them down here in black and white instead of letting them continue to clog up the inside my head while trying to do everything by myself. I am stuck, I need help, I do not know what to do. Thank you for reading, and for your support.
  4. OK, so a quick update... Well at least that is the intention... Concerning my TV, I contacted a repair service, and the guy who stopped by decided to try to order a new panel under the warranty. Last I heard this all went through and he should have it today. He will be installing it on the 16th. So my TV will be repaired for little or no money. On that note, my uncle gave everyone something he is calling a stimulus payment. So I do have money set aside if there are any unknown costs for this repair, or if I want to give the guy repairing my TV a little Christmas bonus, or if I need to buy a new TV for any reason. I will be updating my Amazon Wishlist accordingly. If anyone has gotten together and bought me a new TV already, just PM me and let me know what you want me to do. If you tell me to keep the new TV from you, I may just sell my old new TV after it is repaired, and use the new new one instead. If you have ordered nothing for me, and didn't even pay attention to the link I posted, that's OK. Please release any negative feelings you may have around this, if you have any for any reason. I give everyone here the best gift I can, and that is my appreciation and gratitude for you, as well as my desire for the highest and best for you and your loved ones this holiday season! I often think that if in some other reality Santa Claus exists (maybe he is even in this reality - who knows?) that, lacking any serious amounts of money, the best I could do is ask Santa to deliver whatever it is you are desiring, however you are celebrating or not, because this year has been a motherf**cker, and we could all use a little Christmas Spirit. Or any kind of positive, uplifting spirit! Concerning that aspect of myself that, could I get a knife and murder the bastard, I would, I am learning that the bastard only exists as long as I believe he does. In fact, I am learning that this whole quest I have been on to fix myself is a fruitless, worthless quest, because I am already perfect as I am, and I will only be imperfect in any area as long as I believe I am in any way lacking, coming up short, broken or in need to fixing. In other words, trying to fix myself perpetuates finding shit to fix! How's that for a mind bender? It is only your belief in your brokenness that creates, perpetuates and supports your brokenness. Let the belief go, and the rest of it is gone! If I believe I am perfect as I am, it is easy for me to feel confident, to love and accept myself, to feel I fit in, to feel I am worthy, etc, etc. There is nothing to fix, here is your whole Dao system in one handy package... The work is already done. And the work continues, because the real work is learning to embrace and accept your inherent, natural state of perfection, despite everything in the world screaming at you otherwise. Believe it or not I came to these realizations, or I woke up again to them, after reading and listening to Gary John Bishop's books. Here is a link, for those who do not know who this is: (Nungali will like this guy) https://www.amazon.com/Gary-John-Bishop/e/B01M9F5EEN?ref=sr_ntt_srch_lnk_9&qid=1639520180&sr=8-9 Dunno if I will be back here with an update before Christmas, but Happy Holidays everyone!
  5. Thank you for the generous offer, and for the link to the Osho meditation video. I always appreciated his teachings, and wished the folks who populate my general area would have accepted him instead of forcing him out. I am not sure I am allowed to post this, so I guess if the link is still here the next time I check it was OK: https://www.amazon.com/hz/wishlist/ls/3RBL0MIOM3WN3/ That is my birthday/Christmas Amazon wish list, and either of those TVs (just need one of course) would meet my needs. I am basically using my TV as a computer monitor, and the larger screen makes it easier on me. I did my research, and these two are the highest rated to use as a computer monitor. I know the Universe will provide, one way or another. Or at least I will keep telling myself it will until I believe it completely. Anyone read, "The Secret Code of Success" by Noah ST. John? If not, let me recommend you take a look. I am learning a lot from this author, including why affirmations and the usual "success steps" don't work. As far as the subject of this thread, here is what I figured out before I cracked the aforementioned book: https://blisswriter.wordpress.com/2021/11/08/11-8-2021-thoughts-on-self-sabotage/ Since writing that, been reading Noah ST John's book, and am just learning about Afformations. Instead of making a statement you don't believe like, "I Am Wealthy", which may register as false with you (and you know it does if in the back of your mind a little voice says, "Yeah, right!") you would figure out the negative question you always ask, likely, "Why am I always broke?" and turn that into a positive version, "Why am I wealthy?" That's the gist, read the book for more. All I can say is I have been very dispirited for a few weeks now. You know I think ever since I broke my TV. Very discouraged, very unhappy - lots of aches and pains in the body. Hard to move, hard to think, coughing again, so likely on the path to getting sick. But I did the exercise; listed all the negative questions I am always asking myself, then listed the positive versions. Right after that I felt better. Don't know why, I just did. As I said I turned a corner - I sense something inside has changed or is changing. In any case the inner saboteur is just self-sabotage, and that is coming from an imbalance between seeking reward and avoiding threat. Or in the terminology of Noah St John, "My Why-Not-To's" are bigger than my, "Why-For-To's." I have this acceptable level of success, and I think there is more to it than that, but generally when this acceptable level is reached I sabotage myself. The new TV, before I broke it, was energizing me and helping me create my Minecraft videos. Had I continued on that path, I would have certainly had some success at YouTube. Unconsciously I would not allow that to happen. I have, up to this point, seen myself as a failure. Failure or failing is a part of my identity. Part of the story of my life. There is likely also fear, probably of success, at work here. Now I ask myself, "Why Am I Successful?" and "Why Am I Enough?" as I attempt, yet again, to correct this unwanted unconscious programming. These old operating instructions no longer serve me, if they ever did. It is time for them to go. When they do, the fear leading to anger leading to the "Dark Side" of self-sabotage will also end. Or happen a LOT less! I wonder how many pieces of equipment good 'ol Darth Vader broke?
  6. @Nungali What? You sayin' my creative imagery was sub-par up to now? @Daniel You might have something there. @steve Thank you.
  7. Hello Everyone!

    Sadhguru is an excellent teacher.
  8. I am not sure. I can not recall any specific instances of what would classically be called abuse. I do recall being spanked by my dad. My mom once, angry at me, tried to jab my leg with a pair of scissors. I moved out of the way and she ended up hurting herself. When I was a child my mom took out a belt and spanked me for not doing the dishes. And in grade school there was some sort of strange physical inspection of the children, girls separate from boys. But outright being beaten or raped or anything like that - as I said, not that I recall. Of course there is always the chance at things being repressed. But I am sure I would have dug it up by now. Now as far as emotional trauma... How much emotional stress would one have to be under before it could be called traumatic? Could being suicidally depressed for half your life be considered emotional trauma? Or being laughed at in the face when you asked a girl to dance? Or being turned down when you offered to have sex with someone, who had made it clear they wanted to have sex, just not with you? How about watching someone you thought you were in love with being driven away, never to see them again? Or having 3 girlfriends when you were in the 2nd and 3rd grade, only to have them move away within a year? Would that be considered traumatic? How much can you be hurt before you can label it as emotional trauma? I am certainly curious... Emotionally I am like the the shot-up carcass of an old car in the desert.. Full of holes, decaying and rusting away to nothingness.
  9. If I could afford such a psychologist (assuming I could even find a good one within 1,000 miles of my location) I could afford to purchase a new TV! Just a little of my old, snarky humor in case you missed it...
  10. The laughter response is my response to the image you ended your reply with. Thank you for that! I needed the laugh, and you definitely provided some helpful insights. I didn't get into writing that blog post today. I don't feel like doing much of anything right now. Maybe later. The last time I left the forum it was because I had a disagreement with what the moderators would allow me to talk about or receive help with. But I have chosen to just let that go for now. I am open to integration and process of that nature. I have Teal Swan's, "Completion Process" and Byron Katie's, "The Work", but just haven't been able to bring myself to work through them. I am well aware any energy coming from resistance, like anger or violence, will make whatever I am resisting stronger. But all I had when I started this thread was anger and violence. I am ready for a higher frequency/vibration way of dealing with this. I just want it to stop, and whichever way gets it done is fine by me. I have no preference other than it stops. So fire away with whatever you have. Nice to see you are still around. Send me a PM, let me know how you have been faring through 2021 - the year most everyone wishes they could forget.
  11. I have struggled with anger all my life. And I am not talking about "normal" kinds of anger. I am talking about anger stemming from suicidal depression, driving me in one of my worst examples to stand outside my family's house one night, on the gravel road there, holding a machete, ready to use it if anyone was stupid enough to come near. I don't consider myself a violent person. I have never been in a fight or had any physical altercation with anyone except my brother, who had a special knack for lighting my fuse. I put up with a lot. I typically beat myself up and hurt myself. I have scars all over my body and my knees make strange grinding noises whenever I navigate a set of stairs. If I am violent, it is directed at me - I abuse myself. I mention this only because it got to a point, not long after this incident, that I decided to do something about it. So I read some books on anger, and retained (though memory has faded substantially) some of the things I learned. I have to find that one book again and read it... But initially I followed the instructions in this book and that helped a lot. Later I found out about self-hypnosis and wrote a script for myself, that I ran many times, directing the energy of my anger to my creativity. Now I just suffer from the occasional outburst. The problem is, whatever is triggering me remains outside my conscious awareness. I haven't been able to catch it in the act of happening to stop it. And it appears to have mated with, or mutated with, an aspect of myself I am referring to as my inner saboteur. Now maybe it was always this way and I have only recently become aware of it, because I have been focused so much in this area or something. Not sure. It is this inner saboteur I want to kill. I want to destroy it. I want to chop it up into little pieces and burn them to ash! This #$%^&* is responsible for my totaling my Lexus and, more recently, breaking my brand new TV! Soon I am going to bed. I am exhausted. But when I get up I intend to write a blog post synthesizing what I have recently learned from Kyle Cease's, "The Illusion of Money" and "Stop Self-Sabotage" by Judy Ho. But I will attempt to outline a few things here... I am fairly certain that, at some level outside my conscious awareness, I did not feel I deserved such a nice TV. I allowed myself to enjoy it for a month, then I took it away from myself. Never mind that I earned the money for it working hard to sell my parent's RV for them! With the Lexus I think a similar feeling was in place. What I think happened with the TV is a hard drive of mine failing to work was part of a trigger that set off my anger, and this self-sabotaging aspect of myself rode in on the energy of that anger. From outside my conscious awareness it directed everything, including where I threw the hard drive. No accident of coincidence here - I absolutely refuse to believe that! My inner saboteur used this anger to cause me to throw my hard drive in the exact place needed to be sure it would bounce off and hit the screen of my TV. Everything from where I threw it to how hard - all those calculations - took place without my being aware of them. And that is why it must die! My life sucks enough right now. I do not need to have the few nice things I posses to be taken away from me because I am currently unable to feel that I deserve them, that I am worthy of them! This thing infected the one time I manged to get out on my own and rent an apartment. It infected me when I went down to California to try yet again to get out on my own. It caused me either to not do certain necessary things, or ensured I would do things that would hurt me or cause me to fail. I suspect an imbalance as mentioned in Judy Ho's book, towards avoidance and away from pleasure. It is an attempt to preserve some sort of status-quo, a level of "good" in my life I am comfortable with. If I could make all this garbage in me turn physical I would get a knife and cut it out! Sometimes I wish my problems would take physical form so I could derive some pleasure from beating them up. But it doesn't work that way. I am here because I honestly have nowhere else to go. Sorry but that's the truth. I have no other community, or network, or group of friends, or even a single, physically close and readily available friend. I am completely and utterly alone. I am hoping for some insight here, preferably from someone who has gone through something similar and come out of it. I am looking for a book, or a video, or a process, or resources - something, anything that will help me end this pattern of behavior. Just erase it completely. Smooth the groove out of my mind. Pull me out of the rut. Because I am determined to replace my new TV or fix it. Likely I will just replace it. But I am determined to have that replacement no later than Christmas this year. I will get it, whatever it takes. But once I have it I want to keep it. I do not want anything inside me to wake up, take control and cause it to be broken. Starting right now, in this moment, as I type this, I am done with self-sabotage. Never again will I break a possession of mine, give it away or allow it to be taken. Never again will I feel unworthy of nice things. I work like a dog and I deserve my treats! Please help me address this issue, in whatever way you can, even if all you can do is voice your support. I appreciate it. Thank you.
  12. Pandemic Panic - Transcending the Fear

    Actually, the behavioral changes are related to social issues. Enlightened civilizations don't have any of thee things... Or COVID.
  13. Pandemic Panic - Transcending the Fear

    Sounds like a plan to me! But be careful with the vitamin supplements, as you know they come from some of the same sources as the vaccine... I stopped taking multivitamins YEARS ago!
  14. Pandemic Panic - Transcending the Fear

    I wonder how many of the folks in charge of the corporations making the vaccine will actually take it? Do they even take the flu vaccine? My guess is no. I will not take either vaccine, and do not recommend anyone else do either. But that is my personal opinion, and I am not a qualified medical professional, blah blah blah... Do I need to put one of those legal disclaimer statements in my signature to make the folks in charge of the forums happy?
  15. Pandemic Panic - Transcending the Fear

    To be honest I give the whole thing little thought, beyond how it is affecting my life. I can't go to the theater, and I have to wear a mask everywhere. I do not for a second believe that a mask helps stop anything, and I guess this may have recently been proven. I also have no interest in any cure or vaccine. Why? Because we have no idea what kind of long term genetic side effects things may have on our offspring and their offspring. Forget immediate side effects, too many corporations have a vested interested in controlling the population and making money. Who knows what they will put into that stuff everyone will be rushing to inject into their bodies? That's my fear speaking, I just realized. I remember some years ago, when I was still a Christian and not even of the more mature attitude I have now, that everyone told me I needed to have my tonsils removed. I refused. Now as i sit here my attitude is that if it came in my body when I arrived in this world, it should stay there. My attitude towards any virus is the same. I do not wish to get anyone else sick, that is my biggest concern. But I figure if it is here, it is here for a reason. We collectively created it and drew it into our experience. It will do whatever it came here to do and leave. If I get it, it will have a fight on its hands. My attitude is I will just kick its arse! What I won't do is run around like Chicken Little and proclaim that the sky is falling. For one thing nobody really knows anything about this virus, and for another, whatever info we get will never be the 100% truth. Hell I don't even know if there is a virus! Seriously, I hear about it, I hear people I am acquainted with have it or had it, but I have no direct proof of its existence! This i a good time to practice your hopefully well developed spirituality, adopt an "acuna matada" type mentality and stop giving energy to the damn thing through your fear, assuming it even exists! Do you think Thich Nhat Hanh or Sadguru Jaggi Vasudev are sitting there, chewing their fingernails over this? HELL NO! So why are you? The only power anything has over you is the power YOU give it. End of story. Something exists only as long as you believe it exists, and the only energy it has to sustain it is the energy of your fear and resistance. Release your fear and resistance, practice acceptance, allowing, feeling, releasing and letting go, and you will find freedom. Will you choose fear or freedom? Because you can not have both. Here, have a laugh and a smile: