Hi guys This is my first post and I'm looking for any advice. I’m trying to change my life for better now step by step. I been living all my life driven by lust alcohol computer games porn, fake friends, no real life really, been killing my body all life, the depression for big part of my life was my body's cry for help which I ignored it with more porn and other bad habits, until I couldn't take it anymore.
My story is real shame for me, you can skip it.
I have clear memory of my childhood, I was pretty energetic kid, I remember my first bike my first friend how we spent our days claiming the trees traveling to forests playing in the yard all this child stuff. At about 8 or 9 years old I discovered porn, I find VCR tape at my uncle’s house played it and started masturbating. Remember this day like it was yesterday remember all the scenes, the name of the tape the music and everything. Wish that never happen but it did. So, from that day I was addicted to masturbating. I did it almost daily I had this huge energy and spent it all ejaculating. I used to do it almost every morning before school, that where it all went bad, my grades went bad I had no concentration, at the first grades I was tough popular kid in my class, but masturbation addiction ruined everything. Around 5th grade kids started to bullying me I couldn’t stand for myself so I just waited for school to finish, to go home and masturbate. did this routine until I finish a school at 16 and went to other country with my parents. I was completely drained when I look to my old photos I don’t recognise myself, I looked like zombie, had horrible blue circles under my eyes no motivation nothing all my friends was online game friends that time. So, at 16 I started to go to college in a new country but my masturbation habits continued, I had fast internet access. find new friends, recovered physically a bit, my diet was good even until now, people didn’t bully me, started to go out with my friends, and so on... But I still had my porn addiction and masturbated daily until I was completely drained. I always was a follower never had any motivation in life to do something, been working to get money to spend my money on computer games and parties with my friends. Maybe everything would go different if I didn’t masturbate daily sometimes like 5 times a day until last year. I started having anxiety I was overthinking everything. Masturbating to even more hardcore porn. Until I just couldn’t take it anymore and I understood that it was all the masturbation who cause this. I supressed all my fears all my emotions by this stupid habit, didn’t felt any emotions, I was overthinking all non-sense things all my life. So, I tried to quit porn and masturbation with a lot of relapses.
Until last year I went for 70 + days and everything started to come to surface.
I thought I was going insane I been reading lots of forums about withdrafts symptoms, so I knew that I need to keep strong and let all these emotions to come up. This is where it gets interesting my emotions was changing every single minute, around day 40 I was so motivated full of energy I had a call from a nice lady for a job interview. I spoke so clearly everything was so joyful. after 10 minutes one of the biggest depression came up. I knew that its an emotion and I need to let it out of my body don’t supress it with other toxic habits. later on that day I spoke with 1 neighbour another emotion came up, it was the same feeling what i felt back in my school long time ago when my class mates started to bully me and I went to freeze mode.
I was speaking with my neighbour and I froze he felt it but didn’t say anything so I went to my room and let it flow. Later that day my friend came and we went to bookies, I saw the security guy and I felt so sorry for him that I almost started to cry this big sadness and being sorry emotion came up. Later on I went home and I felt that something big will happen. I closed my doors and went to sleep. At around 3 AM I woke up from this lucid dream that I was chased in a corner and had no where to run. I jumped of my bed and went out of my room knocking on my neighbour’s door screaming for help I though I’m going insane, my body went to fight or flight response physically mentally and emotionally . After about 30 minutes I calmed a bit, I was able to breathe, I went to bed but didn’t sleep for like 3 days my mind and emotion was not stable, I didn’t eat anything only drank water and went straight to toilet, my urine was very dark I believed that my kidneys was physically cleansing. So from that time i though things will go normal flow but it didn’t, I over think and I was emotional sensitive like never, all the TV and computer games was fake for me even now. around day 50-70 when I went to bed I been doing belly breathing. I felt this huge energy circulating over my body I was reliving all my childhood emotions again, all this smells everything was so good, I was able to fall asleep shut my mind, and stay awake its like my body was sleeping but I felt everything I heard the sounds and surroundings. I had lots of lucid dreams, every dream was associated with supressed emotion, Its like I was awake in my dream I knew that I’m dreaming and feeling this strong emotions, all over, all this emotions had physical responses as well. Well lots of more stuff happen but its a long story anyway. So after all this I couldn’t just be outside around other people because of this strange attraction which everyone around me and I felt. So I relapsed and masturbated. Ever since I been masturbating around once a week, because I don’t know where to redirect my energy because I’m unemployed at the moment and I don’t know what I want from life.
The real reason I post all this is to ask you some questions guys which was bothering me all my life. Could it be that I wasted to much semen by masturbating and shock all my nervous system? I been doing it for around 20 years daily even multiple times daily. I’m 28 years old and look like 18, I think all this early masturbation stunt my puberty and I didn’t went through it, my bones are to thin they really didn’t grow up. My hands are like 12 year old everybody all my life commented that, my nose bridge is to thin. Its like I’m living in a child’s body, I don’t have any body hair only pubic and armpit. The most scary thing to me is that my genitals shrunken. Could it be that I did irreversible damage to my body by over masturbating? I never ever let my sexual energy build in my life even for 1 week I been ejaculating to porn until I was completely drained.
Any comments would be appreciated.