Leaderboard

Ahaha, I've been preoccupied with something lately that might seem a little weird. I've started making a square-foot-by-square-foot map of my families' property, which was mostly just an attempt to familiarize myself with A: the space that I take up, B: with the cardinal directions from my position and C: the layout of my home, et cetera. (I am a visual learner, I need to both experience and to draw things out in order to conceptualize them, even if it's something like the state of my home.) Anyway, as I have been doing this day-to-day lately, I have noticed certain things that I would have more easily missed. It has also occurred to me that a lot of this space could be better utilized for other things. As for outside, I have noticed that the quality of soil hasn't been so good in some places, and by mapping it out, I can easily record the state of the land on paper, and the efforts I have made already to correct it. I have tilled compost into portions of the land that probably have not seen such nourishment in decades, and with this recorded in the form of physical data, I can use this for landscaping next spring. I have also made many repairs, and cleaned many things that probably haven't been cleaned in a few years. My efforts are probably superficial, and don't matter very much...But doing this has made me realize that I may be much wealthier than previously thought. Not wealthy as in potential profit or money, but wealthy in the potential of what the land beneath my feet can become, wealthy as in finding long-forgotten items that can be given a renewed purpose, and wealthy in the walls around me that can give comfort and feel more like a home if properly maintained. Haha, this has been my bizarre source of entertainment lately. Recording things on paper might actually be really important.

I know this is a bit odd to pop back in here. Long text incoming! In one of Hua-Ching Ni's books, he says something about only having sympathy for those who only can reserve the time and energy to resolving their own personal trauma, but shows respect for those willing to share what they have learned, in order to help others. I am paraphrasing, I do not remember the exact wording. I disagreed with this. I think that people talk-talk-talk too much online, sharing things that they believe to be true and inevitably spreading nonsense. Whereas I know that I have also done this in the past, I now dislike sharing what which I have not thoroughly researched, or at least thought about. This is just another manifestation of my uncertainty and indecisiveness. I also do not make a very good active conversationalist because of it. However, I digress. I learned something in the ways of personal improvement, and while trivial, I know it to be solid enough to be shared. My initial problems I described coming here were muddied thoughts, and lung problems due to prolonged immune issues stemming from a past lung infection. However I've managed to clear up my thoughts a bit, (one of the problems at least,) and have learned what caused this, and how it has gotten to such a point. My life up to this point has been rather bleak, and maybe in the past, I would have blamed this on others. It is my own fault for letting it effect me to such a point. From childhood I have been told that I am an unimportant person. While we never had a truly stable living situation, I lost my home to a fire when I was younger, and we ended up homeless for a year. This also resulted in poverty for years to come. I became the subject of my families stress and suffering, 'the black sheep,' as it's usually called. A child that is unreasonably ridiculed simply because the person feels bad, and needs an outlet for their own suffering. I became seen as just another expense, a waste of money, and I found myself constantly fighting to justify my own existence to my own parents who brought me into the world in the first place. If you are to believe in the 'five elements system,' my root elements are primarily Earth, and Fire. These describe me very well, I think, and are useful to metaphorically describe my situation. Someone who is of Earth and Fire elements is a very stubborn, persistent, morally sound and righteous person. These two elements seem to often clash with each-other when presenting in a personality. This makes me a, haha, very interesting and temperamental person. This did not bode well for me, being subject of such ridicule and under strict control of others. I saw the wrongness in how I was being treated, and I acted out very fiercely due to this, which only resulted in me being punished more severely. I had a core aspect of who I am as a person, beaten out of me entirely. I was not subservient enough, quiet enough, and more easily taken advantage of. I obsess still over what I can do for others, what I can do to make up for my own misgivings, my own worthlessness, that all of society has told me I am consumed by, over and over again. I had developed a victimized role bordering on masochism. What I am good at is consistent and hard work, which has been undervalued and disrespected. When I work, I make little money, and my own life and health are completely disregarded. I experienced hearing loss by the time I was 22 from working, because my employer did not care to provide me with proper equipment. She cared only about how much money I was bringing her, and sending me home with not even enough to survive off of on my own, leave my family, or even pay for my own vehicle. She also did not consider me a human being; She saw me as a tool to further her own financial success. My existence has become an apology. While I do want to be kind and help people, because this is truly what I want, up until now it has only been "At least I can do this. At least I can make up for this." It was out of my own self-hatred. I saw everything that I do as minor, trivial things, a mere band-aid of justification for mine being here. I didn't see myself as reliable enough. Even the way that I speak has been carefully developed with mediation in mind, with simplicity and clarity, to avoid anger, to accept others, before even thinking of being accepted or understood myself. Even this, of itself, is something incredible that I have done. I give very little credit to myself. I can think of nobody else I have encountered that would be willing to put themselves completely aside in order to accept and understand others. I have done this because I do not want to be the same influence in the world on others that has influenced me so negatively, even though it has been to my own detriment. When my family was experiencing poverty, my father was always a hobbyist gardener. But, it was very small, with lots of problems. When food became insecure, I took what I had learned from him and reinforced it. I have always been puzzled by people who don't understand plants and have difficulty growing food, because I was again, discrediting myself. I did not see the amount of work that I put into it as something substantial. But when something seems so easy, maybe sometimes it is not actually easy, but it is something that only you can do. Who else would pour over books and research methods on balancing soil? Who would research methods on composting? Companion planting? Natives that balance the local environment and ecosystems to encourage pollinators? Anyone, in theory, but it is my avidity that made me successful in this, and now one of my parents' main problems is a too-full fridge. What a problem to have. My avidity is certainly, no worthless trait. I have been so brainwashed by society to think that success is money, and money is success. I am slow, easily distracted, can not handle a high-stress work environment. The slow and persistent hard work that I am fond of is seen as 'unskilled labor.' Therefore, I am an 'undesirable.' This kind of mindset permeates through myself, and everyone in my life to some degree. I will never forget the time I was ridiculed by a close friend at the time, for spending what little money I had for self entertainment instead of saving it. She had a stable home, a stable income, and way more money than I did, but she was jealous of me. She did not realize that I could not even make enough to save. If I did not spend it, it would be gone in a week to some other misfortune, and this was all I could do to even feel a semblance of normalcy. Even she blamed me for my situation, as if spending a five dollar bill once a month on a treat was the reason for all of my suffering. She didn't even notice when she did the same, way more often than I did. While she had a stable job, a home, her own vehicle, and no risk of losing anything, I could not even make enough for reliable transportation. For her, her own treats were necessities. But she looked at me in disgust, as if it was the same as wasting an entire car payment. I developed even more hatred for money, and more stubbornly refused to spend it after that. I have constantly been trying to be accepted into a society that does not value a person like me. By my family, by the work force, by friends, not just in monetary ways, but in other ways that I have let myself be taken advantage of because I do not value myself. I have let them do this to me, in my desperation to be accepted. My passion, my righteousness, and my self-respect have been dimmed. Realizing this, I feel a low, simmering anger beneath the surface. Perhaps I've been too fierce and acted rashly in the past, but even then, I don't think I was wrong in this. I just had little control over my temper and my life, and did not know what to do. Now this part of me has been too far extinguished, and I have accepted other people's treatment of me for far too long. I have lost all the passion that people once loved in me, becoming a miserable and despondent, dull person that can easily be shoved aside. I bury my feelings and thoughts that tend to resurface bitterly, lashing out or in the forms of constant extreme stress. Now, this is where the muddied thoughts came into play. I was so pained by my circumstances, that I had unwittingly developed a habit of burying my thoughts as soon as they even began to form. This became a coping mechanism for me. So long as I did not think about any of this, I could not be overcome by the despair. I became a shell of my former self. The thoughts were still there, in the form of crushing, debilitating stress, but I could not process why this was happening. Now that I can think more clearly, I have a greater understanding of what is so insistently tormenting me day-to-day. I will no longer devalue my efforts in such a way. Just because I do not have my own ambitions or care for my own success, this does not reduce my purpose to furthering other people's success, or to make their lives easier. I will not help people because I feel indebted to them, but because I want to. I can just as easily take this away. Just because my hard work is not 'skilled labor' does not make my time, or my life, without value. In fact, it is other people's prejudice of my circumstances and upbringing that had deprived me of any potential in the first place, and I will no longer let something like this rule over my life. I am not slow because I am stupid or inadequate, but because I consider things carefully. When I say something, it is because it is true. And the truth is, no matter how out of balance the world seems to fall into, no matter how much others try to convince you what 'true' priorities are, there is always a second choice, which is yours. You may not always see it or consider it an option, because it is often more beneficial to others to hide it from you. This is a voracious amount of text to simply say I realized I lacked confidence in myself... haha...But the context seems important. I feel as if I had been killed by others such a long time ago. I was, and still am, so full of despair. Still, I feel a little bit more lively, and have a bit of a better understanding of what I want. Well... I disappear again! Pshaa!

I joined this forum to find like-minded people and to connect with people. I thought that perhaps people interested in the same philosophy as me would be similar to me. If there are such people, I don't think I would know this, because of course on a forum about daoism people only post long philosophical discussions and history of daoism, instead of anything personal. And from the nature of daoism itself, I don't think I would actually learn anything meaningful and personally applicable from such discussions among strangers online. While it's all very interesting, I think putting my time elsewhere would be more beneficial. I don't mean this in a disrespectful way. I just don't see how being here would be helpful to me. I will continue to learn about daoism and practice mindfulness techniques of my own accord, but I do not need an online forum to openly discuss doing so, and I think there are much more important things in life to focus on. I am a simple person, what is important to me is balance and perseverance, not longevity, immortality, or even achieving great things. I only see and take care of what is right in front of me, one foot after another. I'm afraid that too much information will distract me from these things I hold most important. I have found one thing that has helped, and now before getting too distracted, (as I am constantly trying to avoid this,) I will go. Tha mi duilich, agus tìoraidh. It was nice briefly meeting you all.

Here, have a painting of my garden that I just finished. It's my second attempt at painting! I usually use bits of charcoal from my woodstove, or do pencil sketches. But someone gave me some paints to play with as a gift. (My first painting was a gift to the person that gave them to me.) I also drew a potter wasp. Making all sorts of stuff today. Ever since I started journaling, I like to draw things that make me happy. Like, the tree I like to climb and read books in. Or...A squirrel? I'm not used to having color. It was hard to mix them, but I think I did a good job on the sky and trees in the background, at least.

I am so excited!! I am planning a trip to the Smoky Mountains this summer! I have never seen terrain that is even particularly hilly. Only flat plains. I am also afraid of heights! And towering structures give me the heebie jeebies. So I am at least 99.9% sure that I will pass out. (Do you think it's common to be unnerved by terrain you're not used to? I've had friends that have said the pictures I send them of my own home makes them sick.) It is an eight hour drive from here with little traffic, but I have been to Nashville before to play at a concert, and that was about twelve hours on a charter bus, so...I kind of doubt it? I will make sure to take lots of pictures. Once in a lifetime trip. It's booked! It's booked! I'm going. I will probably just stay put lounging about in the woods, and go hiking. Which...Is what I do at home. But this time, with more mountains!

Today!! Has been!! Awful!!! -33 windchill! I was fighting to keep a fire going all day! My house has been in the 50s. I am tired. I am exhausted! I go out to get firewood, and I come inside and it is still cold. There is no place to warm myself. My core temperature is far lower than normal. It is forecast to be like this for the rest of the week! Every moment of my day is spent trying to keep the fire going. It feels like I am in an apocalypse movie. What a nightmare!!!

Here, I am popping in to share this as a little gift. I by chance heard 'Everything Stays' by Rebecca Sugar again today, for the first time in a long time, and it really struck a chord with me. So I decided to do it again, (at least some of it, I didn't do the whole song) but put my own heart into it instead. I recorded it. And I wanted to share it with you. I hope that 2024 is good to all of you. I hope you are good to yourself. I love you!

What a fantastic world we live in, that I can lift weights and watch soap operas at the same time!

This has been driving me nuts. Okay, maybe that is a bit of an over-exaggeration, but it's something I've noticed. I keep getting mocked for the most basic of things. I got made fun of by somebody for reading Edgar Allan Poe stories. I got made fun of for carrying around a bag with some physical things that have some of the same purposes as my apps, because my phone is cheap and unreliable with a low charge. I got reprimanded by a family member for favoring fans over an AC unit. He insisted that a box fan uses more electricity than an AC, and when I showed him evidence that it doesn't, he made fun of me for researching it, (and also still did not believe me.) I got made fun of for using reusable cups and plates instead of one-use garbage, and for favoring my own grown food over takeout. For reading books? For using a bag of things over apps on my phone? For trying to conserve electricity, and trying not to be wasteful? For eating healthier foods? Since when did things like this deviate enough from the norm, that they even warrant mockery? Have people gone crazy?

To simply sit in knowing, loving presence with my Old Man again... Not only did my Father never hit me, he didn't speak unkindly to me, or anyone else that I recall. He instructed mostly through example. And he'd explain, if you asked him. But more than anything, he laughed. And if you spent any sincere amount of time around him, you would too. Laughter I swear was the gravity that held his presence together. Miss him beyond imagining. To think that out of this spinning universe of billions of years... that I had the incredible good fortune of having that man as my Father... Talk about winning the Lottery! Such treasure as this is beyond imagining. If you're fortunate enough to be a Father, be an amazing one today.

I'm helping redo a wall, and I should've been a demo-man! People get paid for this kind of stuff?! I love destruction!! This is the best thing ever!

Healing my own karma, I heal others.

Goodnight, y'all. Love you

Goodnight y'all, love youu. I'm logging off to relax for the rest of the day. I'm sleepy.

What a nightmare!!!! What a nightmare!!!! I went out driving for the first time ever and my nerves are shot. I was told that I did really good, but I don't believe it. You'd have to pry my hands from the steering wheel. People do this every day? Why?! There's so much going on. I have to keep readjusting to the pull of the gravel on the road. I'm being given directions. I have to constantly check for people behind and around me. How are you not having heart attacks all of the time! Unbelievable!

I'm so sleepy lately. I've been staying up too late studying. I keep snoozing on my feet. zzzzzzzzzz

Ooooh how fun!! My golden berry seeds are here. The germination rate test date was 22, so...They are unlikely to be very viable. BUT. The gardener threw in a lot of free purple Rutabaga seeds, as recent as the end of last season. I didn't expect to be growing Rutabagas this year! I'll save those for July. I can sow them before I leave for the Smoky Mountains. Lets get these ground cherries planted.

Ahhh!! I'm so proud of my mom! She has NO fun. She has no hobbies really. She enjoys writing, but she won't ever DO it because she writes thinking that she is supposed to finish something, to show to other people, and she thinks it's not good enough to do that. It doesn't MATTER. If you enjoy something you should do it. You don't ever have to show it to anyone. I don't play guitar to get good at it. I play it because I like to play it. The idea that you are supposed to be creating something, creating a product, has ruined people's ideas of fun! But after trying to drill this into her head, she's finally got it. She says she's going to write because she WANTS to. And I am yelling 'YEAH!' cheering her on like a cheerleader. She is almost fifty! She is almost fifty and she didn't know how to do anything for the sake of fun! But she's going to now. I'm so proud of her! Yeah!!!!

There should be a 'side-eye' reaction for posts. For when I don't have anything to say, but want people to know that I am sitting there eating popcorn.

I've noticed that the most mundane and colorless flowers tend to smell sweeter than any others. I still remember the smell of a single bush of sweet autumn clematis that sprung up this autumn. It's invasive here, but I didn't have the heart to pull it up. My garden was gone, everything was dying and soon to be dead. It was getting cold. But that clematis sprung up, with all of it's fragile white little flowers, you could smell it from a mile away, and it was sweet enough to give you a cavity. There was something sad about it. When I would pick some, to take the smell with me, it would fade almost instantly. How could I tear it up?

It's kind of funny to think about, but when I was little, my grandfather would take lots of trips around the world, (He married a woman from the Philippines, that he met on one of his trips.) but they were mostly to China, and he had all sorts of interesting knick knacks he brought back that I was fascinated by. He got angry when I'd touch them. I now recognize that the vintage chest he kept in his drawer with the little glass balls inside were qigong meditation balls. He would get mad when I touched any of his things, because, I think I remember him telling me they were very old antiques. I am now certain that he was a daoist. It did not stop him from being a very cruel person. He beat children, and he had a lot of money, that he quite literally died before he would ever use to help his family. All of these knick knacks are long gone, probably sold in an estate sale when he died. He died a 'suspicious' death, his spine broke in a way that could have only been done externally, or through some terrible accident, but there was nothing around to have caused it. I never really heard about if it was investigated or not, the police didn't seem to care. Well..There you go! some fun lore for you today.

Someone gifted me paint markers, so my pocket book got a bit of a makeover. It's always nice to add some color!

Did you know royalty used to use narwhal's horns to 'detect' poison? They thought their horns were magical horns from unicorns, and could detect poison with magic. During the Dutch tulip mania, some thought throwing ash on the tulips would trigger them to break through some sort of alchemical process, before knowing that it was triggered by a virus. I have vision changes when I meditate, but I can not say that this is not connected to my tendency towards visual auras as I am prone to migraines. I have experienced something similar sometimes when I wake up from a deep sleep, as if that part of my brain has yet to switch back on. The thought alone that the same is happening when I meditate, awake, is fascinating enough. I know that I can control my body heat circulation during qigong, but the only thing that truly means is increased activity or some sort. Maybe it is just my circulation. That is still fascinating to me. I also don't think that any sort of spiritual practice could ever be only a 'placebo' effect, no more than physical exercise could be. Everything you do, or lack thereof, has an impact. If you kick a rock, it moves. If you don't, it doesn't. Breathing techniques have greatly improved my lung function. Slow, deliberate movements, while controlling breathing, and stilling the mind to focus on this, imagine how many muscles and micro-muscles that you generally do not use, are being exercised when you do this. I am so active now, that I worry about things like athlete's injuries. I have a better outlook on life, too, being able to separate myself from modern western ideologies that are built up around supporting a mechanical system that is built off the backs of others, rather than the individual. I wanted to learn how to live, and to love life, and what better way to do that, than to be curious about, to connect with practices that people have done for thousands of years? If only to understand what has kept us going. Getting off of my private soap box in my activity feed now. Byeeee~

I can't believe that years ago, I was so poor that I couldn't afford food. And then, I was so sick that I couldn't get out of bed. Before all of that, as a kid, my house burned down. I have lost everything, over and over and over again. I've always felt like bad things follow me wherever I go. Now, I don't have to worry about money as much anymore. I am going to the Smokies. I don't think I have ever been this fortunate in my entire life. I wonder if it will hurt even more, when this is gone.

Good night I love youu

I think it's very cool that 'separating heaven and earth' makes your palms really hot. now that it is getting colder, sometimes I do the motions just to press my hands to my face because they feel warm.

I've been learning a lot of things about the Nongli Calendar, the organ clock, and the hours of the zodiac animals. I've never been able to adhere to strict schedules because I always end up growing irritated and bored by repetitive routines. Doing the same exact thing at the same time every day is boring! But with the zodiac hours and organ clock, it seems more like a suggestion than a strict schedule, because I can categorize my daily tasks by general themes of the hours instead of having an activity strictly set on the dot (for example, writing down checklists or setting a specific timestamp for a chore.) I can choose between anything as long as the task follows the general theme of the hour. This gives me both freedom to do as I wish, and a sense of stability that can make my time more productive and memorable, which feels far less mechanical. Nice! 10/10!

Pardon my language, but it is so..fucking hot. These past few days I've been cooped up inside because of a heat dome reaching 120-130 heat indices because of 80+% humidity. I've been trying to pass the time indoors, and being cooped up was already making me irritable. I think the heat is starting to get to me now, too. It is supposed to peak today, or rather, tomorrow, (although I don't think I will sleep.) The power grid is at risk of failing. If it does, thousands of people will die. I am worried.

You people post too much, I'm having a hard time trying to keep up. I think I'm going to step away for a while, because I've already found some new reading materials. While I don't really believe in Qi channeling, I like daoism on more of a philosophical level, I am intrigued by it and would like to know more, so I've started with a few books I've seen mentioned in threads. There are also some things that I want to look into in the future, for example the apparent rise of Qigong in the couple of decades before the year 2000, and how it's practices might have changed in the process of globalization and integration of other cultural medicine practices. On the side, I am also reading 'The Botany of Desire' by Michael Pollan, and for entertainment purposes, Eight Tales of Terror by Edgar Alan Poe. My favorite story is 'MS. Found in a Bottle.' Anyway, I will come back if I run out of things to do, or if I just get lonely.