Thank you Jeff.
If you don't mind, could you elaborate on your answer.
It seems true, what you say about me having some degree of "volition" (is there a better word?). Sometimes there is a feeling that it can be "touched", but it always stays out of reach, too elusive to be studied.
How would one get closer to "touching" volition?
Volition is probably as good a word as any. In Taoism, what you seek is an aspect of being a "sage". Happy to eloborate...
Think of it kind of like there are layers of consciousness. Residing at the lower layers, one is driven by more base desires or more classic ego stuff. While it seems like you choose things, it is mostly like autopilot responses. The heart (where you currently reside) is sort of the beginning of higher consciousness functioning. In some traditions, they would call that beginning to be wake up (not Buddhism or Taoism).
The things that block or "obstruct" you from having free volition are those issues and fear based upon past memories. Getting more volition is the result of effectively clearing out (or letting go of) those issues and fears that obstruct from your true "sage" nature. Spiritual practices in various traditions are about clearing out all of that "crap". When you pick a tradition, you sort of pick their practices and tools for that clearing process.
Your almost touching it could be a feeling of a couple of things. At your level, there are sort of two different directions that people go. They tend to be either more heart or mind based. This leads to either feeling more energy stuff (taoist like) or more quiet mind (buddhist like) as one goes to higher levels of consciousness. Additionally, there are some who feel a deeper opening in what I would call the "inner heart" or higher self.
But, in all cases you can think of it like you realize more at a subconscious level and kind of know it, but can't quite touch it (or bring it into your conscious awareness).
If you want, with your permission, I can do a deep remote energy body read on you and try to get you more specifics. Just let me know, either here on in a private pm. Also, here are a few words from the Tao Te Ching you might like on the topic...
CHAPTER 22 (SFH version)
Yield and overcome.
Bend but follow the flow.
Empty yourself of everything, then you can full.
Have little but gain a lot.
Have much and be confused.
Therefore the sage embraces the one.
He sets an example to the world.
By not putting on a display, he shines forth.
Having no preferences he is open to all.
By never boasting or bragging he can never falter.
By knowing this and refusing that,
He knows of the ways of man.
Thus he can avoid a quarrel.
The ancient masters were always empty.
This emptiness was always whole.
Yield and overcome and be forever full,
and so all things will come to you.
Edited by Jeff, 07 January 2017 - 02:44 PM.